Sticks & Stones

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me”

It’s the old chant that I am sure we all sang as a child. It simply implies that you can physically hurt me but your words and insults will be ignored. It all sounds good in theory but in reality is it true?

In my experience words hurt a lot.

What is said as an insult, a joke or a backhanded compliment slowly builds up and we sub-consciously allow our minds to absorb it.

I was verbally abused for many years.

But I didn’t realise it. Most comments were said as a joke or in jest. Some were said in public, others in private. Many were said in drinking sessions whilst many were said sober.

Imagine this in a laughing, joking voice, “Ha-ha, do you ever think before you speak?” “Are you really that much of an idiot?” “We could make a book out of all the stupid things you say.” “You’re such a clutz.” “Are you actually good at anything? You can’t cook or clean? You will be a crappy wife”

Unfortunately these comments were the story of my life from a partner who loved me. When I had some confidence, with my adrenaline pumping, I would joke and say “well you choose to be with me” and I would receive the responses “it’s out of pity” or “I am your carer” in that same joking voice. What’s worse is other people would join in, like it was this big massive joke and I would play along as if I wasn’t bothered at all.

I wish I could say these words didn’t harm me, but they did.

I didn’t realise the full extent of how these words changed my life until I met my psychologist. She showed me that every time I heard an insult I remembered it and allowed it to eat away at me until I let the words take away my self-worth.

To me they weren’t jokes anymore they were truths.

I believed them. I repeated them and I started to live my life by them. I looked at myself in the mirror and believed I wasn’t good enough, that I can’t do more with my life and that I should be happy with what I had.

He didn’t understand. He didn’t see how his jokes affected me, after all he was joking right. I should be fine with it.

But I wasn’t. I was so depressed and worn down I believed I was worthless.

I don’t know how many of you have ever felt this way. Truthfully I hope you never do. It’s not an easy place to dig yourself out of and it takes a long time to feel okay again.

But believe me when I say you are worth more. I am worth more.

It took me a long time to realise this and some days I still don’t believe it but I know I deserve more. I know I am worth more.

Please remember that your words hurt others.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying it’s not okay to have a joke here or there. It’s okay to giggle when someone falls over and to admit someone cooked a crappy meal but when you start attacking who they are as a person, that’s when it crosses the line.

Remember words do hurt.