Dear Daddy

I am sorry…

For years I blamed you for the hole in my heart, the hole I could never fill. Ten years ago you walked away from my mum and I thought you walked away from me.

What I realise now, is you never stopped loving me… You never stopped caring.

You and I are very alike. I am not sure if you have realised that. We struggle to express our emotions and we bury them away. Adverse to conflict, we avoid any real issues we have with others, pretending everything is okay.

Our similarity is what drove us apart.

I pushed you away because I didn’t understand how I felt and you didn’t know how to talk to me about it. We were both stubborn, not wanting to be the first to bring it up and ‘crack the mould’. We continued to separate ourselves until we were strangers to each other.

It was such a distance from when I was daddy’s little girl, that it broke me.

Do you remember the nights I would sit on your knee before bed and you would just cuddle me? Do you remember rushing from work on a Saturday to watch me play netball? You would follow me up and down the court like the most proud father there.

We lost all of that and for that I am truly sorry.

As I have grown, I have realised the faults in myself. Each fault I identify, I try to find reason or cause that made me think or act that way to begin with.

But what I have also realised is that I was not at fault. The day you left my mother, you weren’t leaving me…

Although you may never read this letter, I hope one day you will understand that I no longer blame you. Each time you contact me, I smile… we are finally getting closer again.

I love you daddy.

Love always,