Three Questions

I find it hard to share and truly open up to people…

Hence why you might have found, when you read my current blog articles, it may feel like I am only sharing part of the truth. In all honesty, I guess I have only just scratched the surface as to how I truly feel and felt in those situations.

I hope in future each article I write you will see more of me, I will show you my inner most thoughts but please bear with me as this is not easy.

After reading my blog, a very close friend of mine asked me a few questions… questions that really made me think.

Her first question… Why did I start writing? Does it help me?

When my dad first left my mum, I found writing therapeutic. Often in the form of letters, I wrote how I felt, what I was thinking and more importantly I wrote the things I couldn’t say out loud. I found it let me express myself and release the emotions that I held inside. As I said, it was therapeutic.

It was never easy to do. I cried many tears while writing and had to take many breaks. Some letters took me days to complete. Some were never shown to others whilst others were given to help them understand.

Honestly, I don’t know why I stopped writing. I could use the excuse that life got in the way but that it just an excuse.

As a human, I find it hard to express my emotions verbally.

In my everyday life, I find that I compartmentalise myself. Some people know part of me, others know other parts and it is highly rare that someone knows the true me.

I am conflict adverse, especially in a face to face situation. My people pleasing nature makes it very hard for me to create conflict with people, face conflict that has already started or express my true feelings when I believe it will upset someone else.

I guess it all comes down to trust.

I don’t trust that people won’t leave me. That is the true cause of my people pleasing nature. Throughout my life I felt like everyone in some way, shape or form has left me, whether I caused it or not.

When I was 15, I felt like my father left me… not long after he left my mother and I he broke every promise he made to me and soon we lost our relationship.

When I was 16, my best male friend, the person I spoke to for everything, started dating one of my friends, she was jealous of how close we were and drove a wedge between us… he picked his relationship with her over me.

When I was 17, I had a boyfriend leave me because I was getting too fat… I wasn’t fat I was an average size. When he met me I had just had glandular fever and lost so much weight I was actually unhealthy, so as I got better, the weight added back on again. It wasn’t until later in life that I realised how that actually affected me.

When I was 18, my grandmother’s cancer caused her to no longer recognise me… it was the last time I saw her alive. Although she is not to blame, it hit me so hard when she left this planet. I just didn’t talk about it.

When I was 20, my mother choose her abusive ex-partner over me… When I told her I would never see her again, she told me she couldn’t leave him.

Over the years of my relationship, I lost contact with all of my closest friends… I caused this I know but I really wanted them to fight for me. Fight to be friends with me, fight to want me. I am aware this was selfish thoughts.

When I was 24, my best friend at work left me… She left the place of employment which I fully supported, she needed to grow her career, but she also left me. I tried to organise many a catch up but her busy lifestyle had no time for me and over time I gave up.

When I was 26, I finally trusted someone enough to let them in… they had a different way of doing things. It was a dominant and submissive form of relationship. I signed a contract and I followed his direction. I told him everything. Every day I wrote to him, I told him the happenings of my day, I told him my inner most thoughts and feelings and he supported me, gave me advice and sometimes gave me the hard truth. The more he was honest with me I was honest with him. Until one day he stopped responding, he had moved on with his life and was now too busy for me. It crushed me and I felt a hole in my everyday life.

As you may have read in my blog post Arrows, I got myself into this deep dark hole, every part of my life lead to it.

When I started seeing my psychologist, she encouraged me to write again. Write down my feelings and emotions, only a few words a day. My doctor encouraged the same thing.

It didn’t happen overnight, it took time again to find the confidence and relevance of writing in my life.

But when I finally started writing again, I felt relief again…

The second question she asked… Why put it all in a blog?

Now that question was a little simpler to answer. I want to help people. My life goal, my life purpose is to help people. Whether I help one person or fifty, I will feel solace in the fact that my struggles, my feelings and emotions weren’t all for nothing.

I like to think of myself as a very caring person. I have a lot of passion and drive in everything I do and everything I do is aiming towards a greater purpose of helping people’s everyday life.

If my blog can help just one person, then I will be happy.

The third question she asked… Why leave it anonymous?

Well if you hadn’t noticed by now, I am sure you will. My name is not actually MJ or MockingJay. To answer this question I want to share it in two parts.

Part A – Why I hide my identity?

This blog is very personal. I cover topics that are very close to my heart and very close to the people around me. As much as I want to help people, I also do not want to let this affect my everyday life.

I want to be able to share my inner most feelings with you all. I want to be able to share every part of my life. Nothing that I am writing is untrue or false, it is totally wholly me.

I hope you can understand that and if you don’t please ask me why, I am more than happy to answer any questions you may have.

Part B – Why MockingJay or MJ?

For anyone who hasn’t seen movie series or read the books (the books are way better… just saying), then I will explain a little of The Hunger Games.

Set in the fictional country Panem, post war times the country is split into different districts controlled by Capitol. Each year the 12 districts offer tributes, both male and female, to compete in the hunger games. It’s actually less of an offering and more of a forced action punishable by death. These competitors are then placed in a game field where they have to compete for their lives. The victor, the person who doesn’t die.

The game is changed, the country is changed when Katniss Everdeen is thrown into the Hunger Games.

Katniss effortlessly becomes a symbol of hope. Through adversity she remains true to herself, true to her values and causes a revolution, one that overturns inaction and injustice. She becomes the MockingJay to the kingdom.

I look up to the character in many ways. I look up to how she can hold herself when faced with adversity, I look up to the way she cares for her family and friends above herself and I look up to the way she aspires change. All admiral qualities. All qualities I hope to have one day.

I hope that helps you understand me a little more, her questions really made me question it all myself and I thought that was worthy of sharing with you.

Her last suggestion was for me to add an About Me page to my site. I am working on it and hope to release it soon so keep your eyes peeled.

Update: I have now released my About Me page… See it here

My last note to you all, I encourage you to find some release for your emotions, your fears, your feelings. If you can’t do it with someone, maybe it’s playing a sport, maybe it’s screaming from the top of your lungs, maybe like me it is writing but find the thing that lets you let go. It is not healthy to hold that emotion inside.

Lots of love,

Photo Credit: Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash